Before writing this, I want to emphasise that I am okay and that my life now is at the stage where I have balance.
Earlier this year I slowly started to retract in to myself, I started to ignore everyone, I’d wake up, get in my car, go to work, stare in to space, get in the car in silence, go home, go straight to bed and just lay – not sleep, just lay. I couldn’t honestly tell you why and I don’t think there is one answer. I’d not felt myself for a while, but I got to the point of no return really. I woke up at 04:00 on Tuesday 4th February and got in my car to head to Stansted to catch a flight to Cologne for a work trip. As I got closer and closer to London I started to get what I thought was indigestion, a taste like battery acid at the back of my throat and pains in my arms… I felt out of control. I popped a couple of rennies and carried on driving hoping it would go away. I got about a mile on the North Circular before I started to cry, I don’t know why but I think it was just my body telling me it was done.
I called Jake at around 5am as I was pulling into the service station just outside Stansted. He picked up and all I could say was “I’m really scared”, by this point I couldn’t really control the tears and I eventually pulled up in the car park of the service station. Jake was asking me what was wrong and I said “I’m done with thinking, I don’t want to think any more”. He was so calm (or at least he did well to pretend he was), he just listened, making sure I was okay and trying to find out where I was. We sat in silence for a minute or two and I just cried, I told him where I was and he started to get ready to come and get me, I said “I am done” and we put down the phone – this is one of my biggest regrets from the whole morning, I can’t imagine getting a call like that. A lot of things went through my head in the next period of time which felt like a week but was in actual fact only around 15mins. The main feeling was helplessness and a loss of control.
I made it back home on autopilot that morning and the next few months were difficult, trying to rebuild and look for a purpose. I had a great support network and people that wanted me to get better, they know who they are, and I will forever be thankful for them.
There’s no real point to this post I just think that you need to see both sides to a story. We are having the best time of our lives at the moment and are creating something we both love but it’s not always been good and it’s not always going to be – everyone will feel empty sometimes – the main thing is surrounding yourself with people who will pick you up when you do. It just helps that my people know how to make a banging Cinnamon Bun.
We are always here for you.